The Jealous Factor

“He that is not jealous is not in love.”  St. Augustine

   

I heard something interesting this week, through a crime solving television show…Bones.  The main character finds herself evaluating her idea of marriage and love, which she finds an antiquated tradition and irrational.  For some years now, I have agreed with her.  I think that is why I have not been able to make relationships work, I can’t let my guard down far enough to make any head way.  So, I rationalize that love is irrational and as a rational being, romantic love is unnecessary. 

I found myself re-evaluating my ideas on love after hearing her admit she was jealous of those around her, who open themselves up and take life by the moment. To most of you out there, you probably are saying to yourselves, “Duh, where has this girl been?”  But believe me; I think I may have been under a proverbial rock. 

I have learned watching some of my best friends find their special someone that my ideas on the subject are not only wrong, but limit my possibilities.  I see them and am actually jealous of them.  Not because they have someone special, like I am sure most of you are thinking, but because they have the ability to take risk.  Without risk, one cannot truly experience love, the greatest gift of all. 

I have spent my life believing that love for friends and family is enough for a single person…and for some that may be true.  However, risk is what brings adventure into the world; risk unites us through fear, excitement, joy, and enthusiasm.  I think I have learned this week that life without risk is not worth living at all. 

Think of it this way, when I moved to Southern California I left everything behind.  I left my family, friends, support system.  I moved to a place where I did not know streets, where the grocery store was, I did not know a single person…which is scary, I don’t care who you are.  I began an endeavor greater than any I had ever attempted…my graduate degree.  I took a risk that I would meet people, they would like me (I was like a kindergartener on the first day of school), and that I would succeed at all academically.  Risk.  Those years were some of the most trying, difficult, and frustrating times of my life…but I would not replace them for anything. 

I had a genuine adventure.  I met some amazing people, who will be in my life forever.  I learned to open up a bit.  But that lesson of risk did not teach me enough.  Since that time I have hardened my heart to the opposite sex, not out of hate, but out of rationality and fear (I know that is a contradiction). 

Last week I talked about watching my friends get married, which I am so glad I get to do.  But, this week I realize that watching them is hard not because I do not believe in love, but because I am jealous.  St. Augustine was wrong when he said “He that is not jealous is not in love.”  Sorry, but he is.  For I am not in love, but I am jealous of those who are.  I am jealous of those who can take the biggest risk possible and open themselves to being hurt, loved, and cherished.  One day, I pray, I will cease being jealous and begin the greatest adventure of all – loving someone and being loved in return.