Friday, June 24, 2011
The Price of Seizing The Day
When we were born our hearts were pure, innocent, unshielded. We laughed, cried, and lived life with abandonment. Somewhere along the line, however, most of us find that abandonment brings hurt, pain, brokenness. If we are lucky, we learn from our mistakes and move forward, still with abandon, but wiser for our decisions. Some of us fight that brokenness and hide behind the shields of drugs or sex, while others hide behind rules and guidelines. Yet it seems easier to build a wall, a shield of impenetrable steel around our hearts, learning that keeping the bad out protects us from things like broken hearts, tortured souls, and longing unceasing. But is that really a life worth living?
This week I have been examining my own life, my own walls, my own stubbornness in my relationships with good friends, family, and those potentials. I found myself asking a friend this week what she thought was the one thing I could work on in my relationships and her response was letting my guard down. I read a note on my facebook page that was also about letting my guard down, and unexpectedly found more urging to let my guard down in a book I am reading. Being the slow one I can be, I thought after the third mention of letting my guard down, that perhaps there was something I was suppose to learn from all this. This has been what my conclusions have come to thus far in my quest.
You see, I believe the guard was posted for protection, but I think I posted a dunce, because he does not let the good in while keeping the bad out. There is much more damage done with this guard than good as he keeps friends and family at bay; worse for this single, he keeps potential suitors at bay…which could be a good thing if you are one of my brothers reading this, I am sure it brings a smile to your face. However, this guard keeps me from living a fulfilling life, in which I can share joy, sorrow, hope, and despair with those who want so desperately to know and love me.
So, how do I fire a dunce? I have tried many a times, but just like a ignorant ass he is, he simply does not get that he has been fired. I liken the situation to the quite stapler obsessed man in the movie The Office who has been fired but still comes to work for years. And, just like that man, perhaps he secretly wants to set me on fire? Terrible thought. But, can one ever move forward if they keep the incompetent employed in such a vital position? I argue no.
“The only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself,” so the Weepies argue. Perhaps they are half right. I cannot move forward in living a fulfilling life until I break the walls and fire the guard. But, alternately, if I allow no one into my life, if I allow myself to depend solely on myself and not allow others to help when they ask and can, then I not only plateau on my life stairway, but hinder those who love me from becoming what they truly are and displaying it for me. I hurt them, in my unintentional way.
I suppose, like my wise eldest brother argues, I ought to stop trying and just do it. Fire the imbecile, demolish the walls, and create a path to my heart (perhaps not without some booby-traps) and allow myself to be hurt. The most precious thing in life is to be loved and to love in return. I cannot love others if I do not first allow them to love me for I will not truly know their character. So, here is to learning to love, even when it hurts, to dancing when asked, at the risk of stepping on my partner’s toes, to being the goof ball and being ok with the fact that not everyone will like me, much less love me, but that those who do will love me for me, not because I look like Cindy Crawford (yeah, right).
So, here is to taking chances, learning lessons, and living life to its fullest. Here is to “seizing the day, for life slips away just like hour glass sand” (Carolyne Arndes). Carpe Diem every one!